Harry Potter and What the Hell Happened to My Canon
by Tiresia
Summary: A bit of a devil may care story I decided to write for self indulgment and hopeful amusement. This is a story about how a new character, wholly my own, comes and and basically fucks the canon with rubber pickle covered in lemon juice. Enter Professor Midnight Evena, new DADA teacher at Hogwarts School of Magic.


The Great Hall, pride and joy of Hogwarts itself, was filled with students of every age. The Sorting, an age old tradition, had just completed with its final announcement. However, the Headmaster, one Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore or He-Of-The-Too-Many-Bloody-Names, seemed on edge and it was for a very good reason. Despite his efforts, Quirrel had denied the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts professor and he could not figure out why for the life of himself. The hall was filled with the idle chitchat of young students before the ceiling darkened to a visage of the night sky. The moon rose up quickly and shone brightly, though the candles dimmed. To the newest students, it was moment of pure wonder, but the others were confused. The Hall rarely changed so quickly, and usually in big events. As the moon reached its peak, a raven-haired woman entered the hall in pure silence.

As the deep blue cloak billowed around her, in a manner very different to any of the other professors, she spoke up. "I apologize, Albus, but it seems I was delayed by other matters. Mostly that I was nearly assaulted by house elves, the armor walking the school, and yelling portraits. That, and a very oddly placed banana peal."

Dumbledore blinked, and a few of the students chuckled, "Oh and for the love of Morgana, would you please tell Peeves to not try pelting me with glue and feathers."

The old man gaped like a fish before nodding and gathering himself, "Students, this is our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Evena." The woman in question gave a bow and winked at the students.

Snape elected to interrupt, "As the Headmaster was just about to give the Welcoming Speech, I would hope you would take a seat and not interrupt again."

"I did not interrupt, Severus, I was late and chose to explain myself to the silent hall. You, however, are interrupting, Headmaster?" the woman moved towards the table as Snape looked ready to, as muggles say, blow a gasket. Albus nodded and continued his speech, which held nothing truly of note. As he finished, food appeared on the tables and the excited students began to dig in. The new professor had seated herself between Minerva McGonagall and Filius Flitwick.

A few of the newer students, particularly Harry James Potter and Ronald Billius Weasley, struck up a conversation with Percy Weasley, Ron's older brother. "Who's that next to Professor Quirrel?" Harry asked, giving the man a look and wincing quickly. Unbeknownst to him, the new professor saw this and turned her head to Minerva.

"So you already know Quirrel?" Percy asked, "That's Professor Snape, he teaches the Potions class."

"He's a right foul git," another redhead interjected, "Isn't that right, Gred?"

"Absolutely Forge," an identical redhead answered, "I'm surprised he can brew with all that grease dripping off that massive nose of his."

Ron laughed and Harry blinked at the man before tucking into his dinner, much like Dumbledore had suggested. However, up at the staff table, the new professor had begun a discussion with the Charms and Transfiguration professors. "Harry Potter, you say?" she said, her grey eyes getting a twinkle worthy of Dumbledore's. "How interesting."

Albus, having heard her, started and began directing his attention to the conversation, not unnoticed by the new professor who merely smiled slightly at the reaction. "Oh yes, I suspect he'll do quite well as one of my lions!" Minerva smiled, the pride evident in her voice.

"Of that I have no doubts, Minnie, can I call you Minnie?" the new professor asked. For some reason, McGonagall got a slight blush to her face and nodded. "Excellent, call me Middy then, friendliness amongst staff leads to friendliness amongst students." Albus noticeably calmed at that, and the woman's eyes twinkled again. For some reason, Dumbledore shivered and the words, 'Quit stealing my schtick' attempted to force their way out of his mouth as he turned.

"Miss Evena-"

"Middy or Midnight, Al," the woman stopped him, mirth evident in her voice.

"Midnight, I must ask, as Sibyl seems convinced about this, but do you possess the Sight?" Dumbledore looked at her intently.

"No, but I Understand," a mirthful look crossed her face as the Headmaster looked properly confused, a first for the other staff. The woman then turned to Filius, "As luck would have it, and as you might know, I would very much like to hear about the happenings of the House I am affiliated with."

Flitwick frowned and the comprehension crossed his face, "OH certainly, why just last year…" the conversation drifted off topic as Dumbledore pondered what the woman had said, and, despite his earlier view of the woman, Snape looked nearly as mirthful as the woman herself had been. Not often did someone confuse the great Dumbledore himself, more so to this degree.

-HPWTHHMC-

"Many of you are surely wondering why I have summoned you here at this hour…" the new Defense professor began, getting a look of pure confusion from the class as she stated this in a voice eerily similar to Professor Snape's. She immediately turned around, hiding the barely contained mirth from her class by writing her name on the chalkboard.

"You may call me Professor, Professor Midnight, Professor Evena, or even Mary Sure, should you wish to," she winked and continued, "but it matters not. Today will be you're, the First Years, initial class on Defense Against the Dark Arts. As such, for a chance at some House Points, the very first question I shall present to you in this class; Why does Defense Against the Dark Arts exist?"

One Hermione Jean Granger's hand flew up, rather quickly, and overly bushy brown hair bounced along with its host as an eager face looked up at the taller professor. "Miss Granger?"

The young girl, positively brimming with excitement, launched an answer nearly too fast for the rest of the class. "To protect ourselves against the more sinister parts of magic!"

"Five points for an acceptable but partially flawed answer," the girl sunk down in her seat, "but an excellent one that tells us the exact reason for this class. It is to protect yourselves, and possibly others, against anything the magical world has in store. Whether it be the sounds of a Siren, the spells of another wizard, or even something as mundane as a flower pot falling from a window sill." The professor had enraptured the students already, something the other professors took over half their first class to do, save McGonagall. "I have reviewed what previous First Years studied, in efforts to teach as best as I can, and have found something that appalls me," the woman waved her wand at the board and three figures appeared on the chalkboard.

A man, a werewolf, and small rabbit appeared on the board. "Now, I want you all to answer, as a class, which of these is the least dangerous," the woman asked, looking out across the class.

"The rabbit," the unanimous answer called out, though a particular raven haired boy seemed quite focused on the pictures and remained silent.

"And the most dangerous?" she asked.

"The werewolf," the second answer was given and the woman approached Harry Potter.

"Mister Potter, is there a reason you did not answer with the class?" she asked, meeting his emerald green eyes. The class looked positively confused, and Harry opened his mouth but gave no answer before looking around and back to the professor. A quick wink, stormy grey eyes twinkling more than Dumbledore's, and Harry gulped.

"Because… none of them is the least dangerous, because they're all the same?" The woman's smile brightened the room as she stood up and waved her wand. The man in the center remained the same and the two other pictures changed to match.

"Ten points to Gryffindor for an excellent answer, Mister Potter," Hermione Granger gave the boy a bewildered look and then turned back to the professor, "you see, class, in the current times of the Wizarding World, though many will disagree or never tell you, the most dangerous thing to one Wizard, is another Wizard. Some are cursed," she waved her wand and a moon hovered over one of the men as it turned into a wolf again, "some are powerful," the second picture waved a wand and spells flew from the tiny wand in its hand, "and some, have abilities you won't expect." The final man turned back into the rabbit.

"That, students, is what I must teach you about, so you can defend yourselves. Care of Magical Creatures will teach you about supposedly 'Dark' creatures, such as Grindylows, Wisps, and Thestrals. I, on the other hand, will teach you about curses, powers, spells, and, overall, defense. That, is what I will teach you in this class, any questions?" the awe struck class remained quiet and the woman smiled, "then put your books away and get out your wands. Today, we will start with the most important basic spell, the Shield Charm."

The class scrambled and put their books away, wands in their hands as soon as they had done so. "Stand up," she ordered the class, which quickly did so, and the desks moved to the edge of the classroom. "I will demonstrate," she looked around, "I want one of you to find something, or all of you if you choose, and throw it towards me." The class positively gaped, they were being told to try to hurt their professor? "Now, students."

They hesitated but all chose something, the heaviest item chosen being a textbook, and she rolled her eyes. "Now throw," they all hesitated but a number threw the item in their hand and were soon followed by the rest. The professor slashed her waved forward and called out, loud and clearly, "Protego!"

Every item bounced back and the class stared, "The reason this charm is the first you will learn is for this very reason, not only is it good for low-level curses, jinxes, and general spells, but it provides defense against physical attacks as well."

The children looked extremely excited, and soon began attempting it on their own, as the professor lined them up facing the wall. "Unlike most spells, the biggest thing you need to do is picture the shield itself," she instructed, "I will not be surprised, should some of you not manage it the first time or at all during this class period."

A number of the students frowned, and Hermione Granger seemed to be one of them as she raised her hand. "Yes, Miss Granger?"

"But, professor, if all we have to do is imagine it, why would it be hard for some of us?" she asked.

"A number of reasons, Miss Granger, but perhaps the most common reason is lack of control," the raven-haired professor answered, "as you get older, controlling your magic is far easier. Some of you may not have yet had the chance to try using it, before getting to school, while others have seen it done since they were young."

Hermione blinked, that thought had not crossed her mind. The class went silent for a moment, but shortly continued practicing, at the instructions of their professor. By the time the entire period had passed, all the students had succeeded, but to varying results. Harry and Hermione had managed the spell rather quickly, Hermione later than Harry but still one of the first. After that, the professor had them changing the strength, direction, and even size of the shield they made. Although not visible, it was very clear the professor could see their charms, and the children could sense what happened. Harry, in particular, seemed rather curious about it and had practiced each different way a number of times before asking the professor more.

Professor Evena positively beamed as the students exited the class. Harry, Ron, Dean, and Seamus were all grinning wildly as they made their way into the halls. As they moved towards their next class, Fred and George made an appearance, "Had your first Defense class, ickle-Ronniekins?" Fred asked.

Ron, while normally irritated by the nickname, was far too excited to be mad, "It was amazing, wasn't it Harry?"

The boy nodded eagerly, "It really was!"

Fred and George crossed their arms, "We haven't had ours yet," George said.

"But," Fred continued, "I wonder what she'll teach us?"

"Could be anything, really," George waved his hand, "What'd she do for you lot?"

"Well, she started off with a bit of a lecture," Ron said, Dean and Seamus having snuck off at some point, leaving the three redhead and Harry alone. They were probably hoping the other classes would be as amazing. "But, I learned a lot more than I thought I would."

"Last bloke was a bit of a tosser if you ask me," Fred said, nodding a bit. "Wouldn't be hard to out do that though."

"I don't know, honestly," Harry said, his face suddenly splitting with a grin, "but I thought it was wicked fun!"

Fred and George frowned before turning the other way and whispering frantically to each other, after a few moment they both spun around. "Right, so we," George started.

"That is to mean Forge and I," Fred continued.

"Are hoping you both," George said.

"Would mind telling as about it at lunch?" Fred finished off.

"Yeah! Wait til you hear about it, right Harry?" Ron grinned wildy at his brothers, only for Harry to nod in agreement and follow the other boy as he walked off.

"Firsties…"George shook his head.

"Don't know much do they?" a raven haired professor interrupted before the twinspeak could continue.

The twins looked at each other and back to the professor, "No ma'am," they said in unison.

"Well you two were like that once, so I hope you might bring that kind of excitement to class," she winked at them before starting off down the hall. "Oh, and boys?" The twins looked towards her, their faces still in a bit of a furrowed frown. "I solemnly swear that I, am up to no good."

The twins eyes bulged in shock and the professor disappeared around a corner.


End file.
